


You Smiled The Whole Way Through It (I Guess Maybe That's What's Worse)

by starrywrite



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF), Video Blogging RPF
Genre: 2009 Phan, Alternate Universe - Different First Meeting, Angst, First Meetings, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-24
Updated: 2015-01-24
Packaged: 2018-03-08 17:49:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,949
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3218051
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/starrywrite/pseuds/starrywrite
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He had all these ideas in his mind about how it would happen - how he would jump off of the train and Phil would be there waiting for him, then he’d run up to Phil and they’d hug for the first time. Then he’d go back to Phil’s place and they’d have the house to themselves for the weekend. It would truly be the highlight of his month - maybe even his whole <i>year</i> - and Dan can’t help but to smile whenever he thinks about how he’s going to meet his best friend for the first time, knowing that nothing is going to spoil his weekend. <i>Nothing</i>.</p>
<p>(Or, the one where Dan and Phil meet for the first time but it doesn’t go as planned).</p>
            </blockquote>





	You Smiled The Whole Way Through It (I Guess Maybe That's What's Worse)

**Author's Note:**

> ~~let’s just pretend it hasnt been a fucking decade since i posted a fic also let’s pretend i wasnt starved for inspiration for a fucking decade okay we’re good to go now!!~~
> 
>  
> 
> inspired by a particularly sad tumblr post i stumbled across a few days ago. so there’s about a thousand and one fics about dan and phil meeting for the first time and tbqh this is another - buT with a twist :^) i went in a different direction and i hope you like it heh

To say that Dan was looking forward to this day would be one hell of an understatement. 

The night before he had barely been able to sleep, his heart pounding in anticipation as he tossed and turned beneath his sheets with scenarios of _finally_ meeting Phil floating through his head. He had all these ideas in his mind about how it would happen - how he would jump off of the train and Phil would be there waiting for him, then he’d run up to Phil and they’d hug for the first time. Then he’d go back to Phil’s place and they’d have the house to themselves for the weekend. It would truly be the highlight of his month - maybe even his whole _year_ \- and Dan can’t help but to smile whenever he thinks about how he’s going to meet his best friend for the first time, knowing that nothing is going to spoil his weekend. _Nothing_. 

Time goes by incredibly too slow for his liking, and Dan anxiously fiddles about his house, texting Phil and trying to keep busy, until it’s finally - _finally_ \- time for him to board his train. He’s anxious and jittery the entire ride; his hands shake when he texts Phil updates about where he is and how much longer until he’s at the station, his heart beats harder and faster than it ever did before and he briefly contemplates the legitimacy of it escaping from his chest before he convinces himself that it isn’t going to happen. He rolls his shoulders back to try and loosen some of the tension he feels, but he just can’t seem to calm the fuck down - then again, why should he? He’s meeting his best friend for the first time today; it would be insane for him to be calm about this. 

The train stops and Dan wants to throw up. He’s here. 

He worries that his legs are shaking far too much for him to walk, and he’s going to trip and fall flat on his face, but he manages to keep it together long enough to get off of the train in one piece. He looks around the station for a moment and then Dan grins from ear to ear, his eyes landing on Phil almost immediately. His heart nearly stops; this is happening, this is actually happening - Phil is here and in person and standing right before him and _oh my god, oh my god_ is all Dan can think as he makes his way through the crowd and over to Phil. 

“Hi!” he exclaims as soon as he’s within earshot. 

“Hi!” Phil is equally as enthusiastic, smiling widely when he sees Dan. 

They both stand there for a moment, staring and smiling at each other before they realize just how awkward it is that neither of them are saying or doing anything now. Dan wants to grab Phil and pull him into a tight hug, but he can’t remember if Phil even _likes_ hugs or if he’d be okay with that. They’ve talked about what they would do when they finally met, but now it’s as though his memory has been wiped and Dan’s mind has gone completely blank. 

Regardless, Dan goes in for the hug, hesitating at first but Phil goes to meet him halfway and his chin awkwardly bumps against his shoulder because Phil is taller than he thought he would be. He pushes himself up on his toes, just slightly, and he nestles his head in the crook of Phil’s neck. It’s insane that this is actually happening - that he’s _actually_ hugging Phil, that they’re _actually_ here together in person, that he’s _finally_ got to meet his best friend. It’s a strange phenomenon, having a best friend that you’ve never actually met before, but finally getting to meet them and actually

Phil is so much more incredible looking in person - he’s taller than Dan thought he would be and slightly more built than he is with nice broad shoulders. And then there are those intense blue eyes Phil has that make Dan feel paralyzed when he looks into them. It’s so much different than watching him through his crap quality webcam via Skype. 

“You’re 3D,” Dan blurts out as he breaks away from Phil’s hug, and he winces because why on Earth would he say something so lame like that? As if this experience wasn’t already so awkward. 

Phil chuckles a little and mumbles, “Yeah,” and then another awkward silence follows. An uncomfortable feeling settles in the pit of Dan’s stomach but he blames it on nerves. “Uh, did you have a nice train ride?” Phil asks.

“Yeah,” Dan says with a nod and he wants to say more but there’s nothing _more_ for him to say.

“Good,” Phil replies. “That’s good.” 

It’s so strange; before, he and Phil have never have trouble talking to each other and the conversation always flows naturally. They could talk on Skype for hours, and text each other until the sun rises, and on more than one occasion they’ve fallen asleep while chatting on the phone together. They never run out of things to say to each other, even when it seems as though they’ve already talked about everything under the sun. But now it’s like pulling teeth to get more than an one word reply from each other, and it’s just so _strange_. 

This is nothing like he thought it would be at all. 

Dan quickly decides that it has to be because they’ve never met before - because this is their first face to face conversation, and they’re both nervous and anxious. Not to mention, meeting someone for the first time is always awkward, so he blames it on that as well. And Dan is naturally the most awkward person in the world so that probably has a lot to do with it. Once he rationalizes it, he comes to the conclusion that he has nothing to fret over right now; sure, his and Phil’s first meeting didn’t go entirely as he thought it would, but he’s sure - he’s _positive_ \- that as the day progresses, they’ll both loosen up. 

* * * 

“So,” Phil wrings his hands together as the two of them exit the train station. Dan’s itching to reach out and take Phil’s hand in his own and hold it tightly while they walk together, but instead he keeps one of his hands wrapped tightly around the strap of his bag and the other stuffed in his pocket. “What would you like to do?”

Dan’s been to Manchester a handful of times, but isn’t at all familiarized with the city. “I don’t know,” he replies sheepishly. “What do _you_ want to do?”

Phil shrugs. “You’re my guest,” he says. “We should do what you want to do. And besides, I’m up for anything.” 

“Uh,” Dan bites his lip as he falls silent in thought. Phil waits patiently as he tries to compose an itinerary for the two of them, but he continues to come up blank. “Well, what is there to do?” he finally ends up asking because the awkward silence is so deafening and it’s setting him on edge. 

“We can…” Phil trails off for a moment, as if he hadn’t been planned to be the one to organize their day. Dan tries to ignore the slight sting to his heart that he feels while he waits for Phil to answer him. He tells himself that he isn’t hurt by the fact that Phil hadn’t had anything planned for the pair of them - it wouldn’t be fair for him to be the one to be hurt, because he didn’t have any idea for what they should do either. So, he isn’t hurt. Not at all. But he is confused, so fucking confused. Because just how is it that the two of them have been planning to meet for the longest time, but now that the time has finally come and the two of them are finally together, neither of them know just what _to_ do? 

“There’s the Manchester Eye,” Phil finally says. “It’s really cool, and if we ride it all the way to the top, we’ll probably be able to see the whole city.” Phil smiles at Dan, the corners of his lips tugging up into a small smirk and he locks eyes with him as he says, “We’ll be on top of the world.”

Dan feels breathless. So what if all of their plans are last minute and ill thought out? He’s with Phil, and anything he does with Phil is going to be incredible. “That sounds perfect,” he says. And it does. There’s a part of him convinced that no matter what he and Phil wind up doing, this whole day will be perfect regardless - and he conveniently ignores the part of him worrying that their day together may not be so perfect at all. 

* * * 

They contemplate stopping at Phil’s house before venturing into the city, but Dan convinces Phil that he doesn’t mind carrying his backpack around with him for the rest of the evening - despite the fact that a weekend’s worth of clothes and his shit is starting to weigh him down, as well as cause an ache in his shoulders and neck. But he doesn’t want to waste time now that the two of them have plans; he wants to relish in every moment he and Phil spend together, he wants to make memories, he wants to enjoy his day with his best friend. 

They don’t talk much as they walk from the train station to the Apple Store, where Phil tells him that they should definitely take a picture of the two of them together to commemorate this day - and to show everyone on Dailybooth that they finally met “IRL” (to which Dan replies, “Please never say ‘IRL’ again,” and Phil laughs out an apology). Dan tries to tell himself that the silence isn’t awkward, but comfortable. Because they have the kind of relationship where they don’t need to be talking all of the time and they can just exist in the peaceful silence between the two of them.

Only, it’s not peaceful or comfortable, and Dan is desperate to say something - _anything_ \- to break the silence and get a conversation going. But no matter what he says, he’s met with short answers from Phil, and the same goes for himself whenever Phil prompts him to talk. Nothing is flowing between them the way it used to. And Dan just doesn’t know why. 

He feels himself beginning to sulk, but he forces a smile, worrying that Phil will think he’s bad company or that he doesn’t want to be spending time with him, and he just hopes for the best for the rest of the day. 

* * * 

The trip to the Apple Store is fun for the most part. The two of them take dozens of pictures together, laughing joyously and pointing out their favorite ones. They get into a brief spat when they disagree on which picture they should upload because Dan is unhappy with how he looks in the picture that Phil chose and Phil can’t convince him otherwise. So they take about a dozen more before they take a nice one that they both like, and they ignore the queue of people behind them and the people looking on strangely as they pose for photos for about ten minutes, and Dan tells himself that this is _fun_ and that they’re having a great time. 

Swallowing back the lump forming in his throat, he types up a lighthearted caption on their photo as he uploads it to Dailybooth, maybe because when he looks back on this day he wants to remember it as better than it’s actually turning out to be. 

Roaming around the city isn’t all it’s cracked up to be either because Dan absolutely loathes walking, and   
the conversation between the two of them continues to lag yet again, and if there’s anything worse than walking it’s walking in silence. And he’s starting to feel tired and sad, and it’s getting harder and harder for him to convince himself that he’s having a good day. And even worse, it’s getting harder for him to convince himself that things are going to turn around, and that he and Phil are going to stop being so distant and awkward with each other, and that this is truly going to turn out to be the best day ever. 

He doesn’t say any of this though, he can’t - how do you even begin a conversation like this? So he just keeps on forcing a smile. Because Phil is smiling as well and Dan doesn’t want to be the one to rain on his parade. 

* * * 

The Manchester Eye turns out to be pretty amazing, and like Phil said, when they get all the way to the top the two of them can see the whole of Manchester.

“See?” Phil says with a grin. He wraps one of his arms around Dan’s shoulders and gives him a little squeeze, that Dan allows himself to believe is a hug, and he says, “We’re on top of the world.” 

Dan smiles. Or at least he tries to, he really, really tries to. But he just isn’t feeling it. Because he doesn't understand how they can have moments like this where everything just feels _right_ and then go back to the way they were before where everything feels so _wrong_. 

* * * 

It wasn’t supposed to be like this. 

That’s what Dan thinks as he lies in Phil’s bed. Phil is fast asleep right by his side, but truthfully he might as well be miles away. That’s how it’s felt all day today; like he and Phil are miles away from each other. And it doesn’t make sense to him, because when they _were_ actually miles apart the bond they had felt unbreakable. But now that they’re together, something happened. Something _changed_.

It wasn’t supposed to be like this; he and Phil weren’t supposed to be so distant, so detached. It wasn’t supposed to be as if the two of them have never spoken to each other a day in their lives, as if their entire relationship over the past few months hadn’t even happened. _It wasn’t supposed to be like this this_.

Dan can’t even bring himself to justify why it _is_ like this in the first place, because he can’t get his mind off of how completely wrong this whole day has been. He and Phil were supposed to meet at the train station, they were supposed to hug and spend the day roaming around Manchester together, they were supposed to cuddle on the couch watching movies, they were supposed to lie in bed together completely and utterly exhausted after having the best day ever. 

He sighs a little; the most certainly was not the best day ever. It’s not as though it was the worst, because seeing Phil was great, but nothing about this day was over the top or incredible. The worst part is, if he’s being honest with himself, this day wasn’t even worth remembering. 

Dan rolls over, his back to Phil’s, and there’s a crushing sadness in his chest as he finally starts to fall asleep because he can’t stop himself from thinking, _this wasn’t how it was supposed to be_.

* * * 

After he wakes up the next morning, he lies in Phil’s bed, alone because Phil woke up before he did and left for the kitchen to make a pot of coffee, and he wraps himself in his best friend’s duvet, thinking about how he didn’t expect things to turn out this way. Maybe it wasn’t meant to be, maybe he and Phil weren’t meant to be. Maybe they were simply destined to be Internet friends, never to be face to face or engage in any physical contact. Maybe this friendship wasn’t as strong as Dan thought it was. That’s a thought he never expected to cross his mind, but when it does, it hurts. 

Later that day, he and Phil make a video together answering questions from Phil’s viewers, and the two of them laugh and smile and joke around. And Phil smiles wider than he’s seen him smile since their last Skype call, and for once, Dan isn’t forcing a smile - it comes to him naturally. And even though he semi-sarcastically murmurs, “This is the most fun I’ve ever had,” Phil still goes ahead and tackles him at the ground, and the two of them fall to the floor in a heap of laughter. And _this_ is what he expected their weekend together to be - full of laughs and smiles and cuddles and teasing. _This_ is what he wanted. 

Unfortunately, you don’t always get what you want. 

* * * 

Dan goes home on Sunday. He hugs him goodbye at the train station, and it’s significantly less awkward than their first hug on Friday, and Dan decides to add that to the list of ‘good things’ about this weekend. It’s a short list, but it’s a list nevertheless. 

Phil texts him later that night. There’s a Halloween gathering at the end of the month, and Phil invites Dan, and when he’s sending him the details he tells him _‘i promise it’ll be better than this past weekend :/ lol’_ and for some reason, Dan feels guilty. But he also feels relieved. Oh, god, does he feel relieved. Because he wasn’t the only one who felt like their first meeting could've gone better, because he wasn’t the only one not having fun, because he wasn’t the only one faking a smile for three days.

Because he and Phil are getting a second chance.


End file.
